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09:06 PM -- AS IT SHOULD BE

All is as it should be.

It's how I see life and perceive things that happen in my life. When things get rough, remember that there's always a bigger plan out there, reasons we don't understand yet. 

All is as it should be. And life keeps moving. Be happy.

--

It's a quote from Anne Frank.
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10:00 PM

Saya salah satu orang yang suka nostalgia. Salah satu caranya dengan melihat foto-foto lama. Ada sesuatu yang menghangatkan tentang nostalgia; berkunjung ke masa lampau, tapi dengan pola pikir dan sudut pandang yang sudah berbeda. 

Sesuatu yang menghangatkan. Saya belum pernah bisa mendefinisikan jelasnya bagaimana dan apa, tapi malam ini, setelah melihat-lihat foto lama di dokumen laptop, saya sedikit bisa memahami mengapa saya begitu menyukai nostalgia.

Mungkin, ketika saya melihat foto lama, saya teringat akan apa yang pernah saya lalui hingga ada di titik ini.
Saya teringat akan mereka yang pernah ada, dan masih ada sampai sekarang. Saya bersyukur sekali untuk itu.
Akan mereka yang pernah ada, dan sudah memutuskan untuk pergi. Saya juga bersyukur, karena pelajaran yang diberi dari tiap pribadi sangat berharga.
Akan ingatan-ingatan tentang masa menyenangkan di waktu dulu, yang mungkin saat mengalaminya langsung dulu saya gak sadar betapa menyenangkannya hal tersebut. Dan sekarang, melihat masa-masa tersebut kembali namun dengan sudut pandang yang berbeda membuat saya bisa memahami serta merasa dicintai. 

Dicintai, bukan dengan siapa-siapa, tapi dengan hidup ini. Semesta ini. Semuanya itu indah dan punya maksud. Segala yang saya tempuh dan tiap manusia yang saya jumpai membawa makna tersendiri, membentuk diri saya jadi seperti ini.

Jadi, mungkin ini mengapa saya suka nostalgia melihat foto lama; karena saya selalu diingatkan betapa saya sangat beruntung dan dicintai oleh hidup ini lewat segala perjalanan yang sudah saya tempuh, dan akan tempuh.

Selalu.

Mid 2014, masa Pilpres, masa paling bikin deg-degan (sekaligus menyenangkan, hehe) selama kerja di Metro TV sejauh ini
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11:45 PM -- 11/8/5

Hari ini saya menyelesaikan satu fase di dalam hidup saya. Satu fase yang manis dan pahit. 

Selalu ya? Hehe, hidup selalu manis dan pahit. Dua sisi yang tidak pernah bisa dipisahkan atau dipilih salah satunya. 

Fase ini manis, karena banyak sekali pelajarannya. Woah. Saya hari ini berkat fase yang saya lalui kemarin. Belum lagi di fase ini saya selalu dikelilingi oleh mereka yang menyenangkan. Lewat fase ini saya belajar untuk menjadi lebih.. saya.

Kalau soal pahit, ya, pelajaran yang baik tidak mungkin diberi begitu saja. Di fase inilah saya merasakan sepi yang paling hakiki, hahaha. Kesepian, sendiri, dan merindukan banyak hal. 

Tapi lewat sepi itu justru saya belajar menciptakan nyanyian saya sendiri. Pahit dan manis, tidak bisa dipisahkan. 

Anyway,
cheers for a new beginning! :)
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09:06 PM -- WHY SOLO-TRAVELING?

Yeah, why?

Karena..

..gak ada orang lain yang ngasih pengaruh 'mending lewat jalur A daripada capek-capek lewat B' atau 'snorkeling aja daripada berenang di hotel'. Gak ada orang lain yang 'makan X aja yuk. Masa jauh-jauh cuma makan nasi goreng'. Gak bakal ada orang lain yang maksa saya buat ke bar di saat saya pengennya tiduran di pinggir kolam berenang sambil baca buku. Lagipula, segala pilihan yang dibuat saat diri saya sendirian adalah pilihan yang terjujur.

Dan jelas, pilihan tersebut mencerminkan diri saya sendiri yang sebenarnya. Seperti apa saya? Waktu kelaparan, makanan seperti apa yang paling saya cari? Waktu bosan, saya pengennya ngapain? Waktu nyasar, saya gimana? Waktu ketemu orang asing, saya gimana? Saya lebih pilih mana, jalur singkat atau pemandangan keren? Se-bertanggungjawab apa sih diri ini buat menangani diri sendiri dan lingkungan sekitar? Diri saya sendiri terpampang nyata di depan mata saya sendiri selama saya solo-traveling, tanpa pura-pura, tanpa manipulasi, di tempat yang benar-benar asing.

Saya makin kenal manusia seperti apa sih saya ini, and what I need to do to make my good becomes better and my better becomes best. 


Terlalu sering pilihan yang kita buat sebenarnya bukan keinginan kita sendiri. Ada yang karena pengaruh orang lain, ada yang karena 'gak enak' sama orang lain, atau bahkan ada yang dipilihkan orang lain. Terlalu sering keinginan personal yang terjujur kalah sama lingkungan. Lama-lama kita jadi bias dan mungkin, kehilangan diri kita sendiri.

Ini alasan utama kenapa solo-traveling ke Gili Trawangan; sendirian di tempat yang asing. I learned about myself and I like it. I'm enough. You are enough. Gak perlu membuang waktu mengemis perhatian dan kasih sayang dari orang-orang yang gak bisa menghargai diri kita. Yang bisa bikin kita lengkap itu memang cuma diri kita sendiri. Iya, sudah cukup kok, gak perlu orang lain lagi yang ikut ambil kendali. Yang bisa bikin kita merasa cukup itu cuma usaha diri kita sendiri untuk jadi lebih baik tiap harinya.

Dan iya, seberlebihan ini hal-hal yang saya dapat dari bengang-bengong sendirian di Gili Trawangan selama 4 hari 3 malam. Well, gak bengang-bengong juga sih, you know what I mean.


And why Gili Trawangan? Solo-traveling sebaiknya ke tempat yang 'biasa-biasa aja deh' untuk first-timer dan Gili Trawangan termasuk ke kategori itu. Walau agak mojok masih bisa diakses sendirian, karena Gili Trawangan bukanlah Taka Bone Rate atau Togean yang mahajauh (dari Jakarta).

Karena lagian kalau Taka Bone Rate atau Togean gak mahajauh pasti saya sudah solo-traveling ke sana, bukannya Gili Trawangan.


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9:36 PM -- A NOTE I WROTE THAT NIGHT

Hey, self 

21 June 2015, 15:46 WIB. A year before. You were writing down the budget needed to go to Gili. A year later, which is today 21 June 2016, you are at Gili Trawangan. If you want to be exact, at that precise hour you were at Kafe Kayu, eating that crappy fried rice while watching people walking across the street. 

Life is funny, eh? 

I don't understand what this trip means. It's different from the other trips. It doesn't feel life-changing, if you know what I mean..

It's not like what I expected. We know why I wanted to go at the first place, right? Because I wanted to find the answer. I started losing the control because I didn't understand the reason for some things that happened to me. That's why I wanted to go solo; to gain the control back, and- of course being a curious ENFP- to find the answer. But in Gili, here, I don't find what I am looking for. I don't find the answer. 

It's not spiritual. It's kinda tiring and boring. It's too crowded. I am not in the mood to take photo. The food was bad (and sooo pricey and overrated). The sunset was bad. On the third day, I biked from the east side to the west side of the island; just to catch that sunset on the so-famous Sunset Bar (who owns the so-famous swing at the beach). I ummmm I was kinda disappointed. The cloud hid the sun. I could only see a little spark of orange and then bam, dark. The beach was... disgusting. And the beer was over-priced. I biked back to the guest-house in the dark I could barely see anything. I was extra careful not to crash on other people or cidomo. After half an hour full of 'excuse me!' or 'watch out!' I finally arrived at the guest-house. 

The other day sometimes I chose to be at guest-house, reading the novel by the side of the pool. Or playing with Sigon the cat (whom I will miss so bad). Or playing in the pool. I was so grateful I brought Paula Hawkins' The Girl on the Train. Such a life-saver! I went outside biking if I was hungry, or when I got bored at the guest-house. Or to check another box from the 'places to visit in Gili T' list I've made before. 

Sounds such a bad trip, eh? 

If only I could time-travel and tell you all of these a year before. If I could, I would tell you to keep going. 

Because even though I will still live with a big question mark everyday above my head (yeah, we all do after all, c'est la vie), in Gili I find what I didn't know was my own all of this time. 

I find myself. The true-est version of it. And I find the love. For myself. 

I will miss Gili Trawangan. I will miss who I am in this place. The freedom. The conversation with my own self. The excitement I feel every morning; wondering what me myself would experience that day. The life here is so different. 

I love the little 'adventure' here. I have a great companion; my own self. It's not about the famous bar/cafe, the beach, or the delicious Gili Gelato, it's about the in-betweens; the wonderings, the choices, the contemplations, and all the thoughts. I have a private quality time with myself, and I'm forever grateful for it. 

I love myself for who I am. 

And now, I want to sleep. Today was pretty tiring with all the biking around the island. Can't wait to have another trip with you, self. But meanwhile right now, let's face the daily mundane with a bit of excitement, okay? 

21 June 2016, 20:17 WITA 
Little Woodstock 
The last night at Gili Trawangan


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10:52 AM -- THANK YOU, PCOS (PS: I'M NOT BEING SARCASTIC)

I used to eat junk food, instant food, or processed food. Basically, I ate what taste good (and easy). I rarely did exercise. I regularly drank alcohol. Eventho I hate smoking, I do live around (heavy) smokers. I slept late at night- social media or TV series are so addictive, I used to choose them over a good night sleep. 

Aaaaaand that's when the PCOS struck. A year ago.

You can google PCOS-- Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Basically, it's a condition of imbalanced hormone in women. Sebenarnya 'gak terlalu masalah', gak enaknya 'cuma' jerawat di daerah jawline, constant weight gain (even when you eat less!), dan irregular period. Tapi hormon yang gak seimbang bisa berakhir fatal; infertil, penyakit jantung, diabetes, atau komplikasi lainnya. 

Awalnya saya gak sadar kalau saya terkena PCOS- awalnya mikir irregular period itu cuma karena capek atau stress- tapi pas ketemu OBGYN dan USG, okay... positif PCOS. Waktu itu dikasih berbagai obat buat bantu menyeimbangkan hormon, menambah vitamin D, diabetes, dan blablabla. Dokter juga bilang kalau kunci penyembuhannya ada di gaya hidup yang sehat. Olahraga, makan sehat, istirahat cukup, dan gak stress. Berat badan harus turun.

Gampang lah ya.. Bisa, bisa.

Saya minum berbagai obat itu tanpa diiringi perubahan gaya hidup berarti. Bukannya gak mau berubah, tapi segala yang tidak sehat itu sudah jadi gaya hidup saya tanpa disadari. Paling kentara adalah saya stop makan junk food kayak KFC. Sisanya, nyaris sama. Tapi itu pun sudah membuat saya merasa jadi pahlawan bagi diri saya sendiri. Apakah berubah?

Iya berubah, karena dibantu obat. Jerawat hilang, berat badan turun. Dari luar segala terlihat normal. Tapi tiap cek darah, hasilnya sama. Bahkan beberapa kali kadar AMH saya (indung telur) malah melonjak tinggi- menunjukkan bahwa hormon masih tidak seimbang sehingga indung telur masih 'tersimpan' dan tidak subur.

I tried everything. That OCD diet that was so popular or eating only once a day.. cuma buat nurunin berat badan yang adalah kunci kesembuhan PCOS. Kalau kamu googling 'PCOS diet', kamu bakal nemuin berbagai tips diet PCOS (yang sebenarnya nyaris mirip-mirip), tapi asli deh, susah banget buat dijalanin! Gak boleh ini itu. Huhu. Saya pun mikir (dengan optimis) bahwa saya bisa sembuh dengan cara saya sendiri. I created my own PCOS diet tips & tricks. Ahey.

Tapi lagi-lagi, nyaris setahunan ini, hasilnya tetap sama dan saya masih bergantung obat. 

It was like a couple months ago when I decided to really change. Awalnya karena merasa stuck dengan obat (yang bikin gak bisa tidur, mual, mood-swing, etc.. bisa gila awak). Belum lagi biaya pengobatan yang ngajak miskin banget (yep, klise, gak bisa ditanggung BPJS atau asuransi), sekali cek darah bisa beli hape Smartfren. Miskin sobh. Duit tabungan buat bayar cek darah dan bukannya ngetrip sana-sini. Jadi, saya bertekad harus berubah. Gaya hidup tidak sehat tetaplah gaya hidup tidak sehat jadi harus diubah bukan malah kita yang ngeles. Titik.

Saya coba dari hari hal simpel, yaitu olahraga. Jam kerja saya di broadcasting menyulitkan seseorang buat bangun pagi dan olahraga, serius. We work within a crazy working hour! But I decided to take control over my lifestyle. I started to wake up early and exercise. Kalau masih ngantuk paginya, berarti malamnya harus tidur lebih awal. Saya pun mulai tidur awal. Sekarang terbiasa tidur di jam 10- jam 9 kalau memungkinkan plus karena ekstra teler- dan bangun di jam 4:30, 5, atau 6. 

Abis olahraga pasti tepar, pengen isi perut. Karena weekdays saya tinggal di kost sendirian, harus mikir otak cari makanan. Gak bisa makan yang susah-susah, akhirnya mikir makanan yang instan dan paling gampang adalah... buah. Udah bete duluan sih mikir buah tapi kok anehnya, buah malah membuat tubuh saya terasa lebih baik dan segar. Jadi kecanduan.

Dari sana mulai.. I choose what I eat carefully. Awalnya sih mikir kalau kehidupan ini cuma makan buah dan sayur kok menyedihkan ya, tapi ternyata menurut pengalaman saya eat well gak selalu berarti sayur buah. Intinya menghindari processed food. Jadi yang kita makan adalah makanan yang utuh. Selain itu, tanpa disadari saya jadi mengurangi garam, minyak, dan gula, karena tubuh saya terbiasa dengan rasa yang natural dari makanan utuh. Sekalinya makan yang tinggi gula garam minyak, tubuh ini menolak sendirinya. Belum lagi rasa 'kimia-kimiaan' gitu.. otomatis menolak parah. Akhirnya jadi kreatif sendiri cari makanan alami dengan rasa yang ntaps. Seminggu sekali belanja ke supermarket deket kantor buat stok makanan. 

Lucunya, pengeluaran malah jadi hemat masaaa.. Capek sih, tapi worth the effort, daripada cuma ngabisin waktu nonton TV series sambil ngemil nungguin pesenan makanan dari GoFood nyampe, hahaha.

Yang terakhir, yang mungkin paling susah, adalah kurangi stress. Kenapa? Soalnya stress itu paling gak disadari, ya gak sih. Tapi saya harus perang lawan stress juga kalau saya mau sembuh. I choose to be happy. Masalah sih gak hilang walau saya memilih bahagia- kerjaan toh tetep banyak. *sob*

Tapi kalau kita memilih bahagia, saya percayanya sikap kita pun jadi lebih positif. Saya masih terus berusaha mengubah mindset di setiap keadaan jadi fokus ke hal-hal yang membahagiakan. Live in the moment, kuncinya. Once you live in the present, somehow you stop to overthink things. 

Dan lagi pula, life doesn't stop for anyone. Masalah tetap ada, tapi intinya.. when you break down, just gather the pieces, get up, and walk again. It's a harsh truth, but time won't stop for you when you're sad or down. Tapi bagusnya juga, dengan waktu dan hidup yang terus bergerak maju, hal tersebut menandakan kalau nanti ada waktunya kita bisa bahagia dan di atas lagi. There are so many good things in life for you that haven't happened, yet.

Ahey.

I used to curse PCOS for giving me sleepless nights, bloated stomach, queasiness, and mood-swing, but at the end I realize I am so thankful for everything that has happened in my life- & yeshhhh, PCOS included! It teaches me lessons. Kalau gak kena PCOS, mungkin saya masih amburadul dan stuck di self-image yang lama. Karena PCOS lah saya jadi niatin berubah. 

I'm still not perfect, I won't be perfect tho, it's okay. I'm a work in progress. We all are. Salam super.



V/////
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14/366 -- THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE IS 25!

Yayyyyyyyyyy.
(Well, actually it's been more than 2 weeks since my birthday when I wrote this post)
I never took birthday seriously, for me it’s just another day. I love new years and Christmas, it’s more special. BUT, being 25 is different. After things that happened last year, being 25 feels so… exciting. I’m super excited what life has in store for me. I’m not thinking about marriage, kids, or anything related to it (yet)- I’m more excited to be… me. 

For me, 24 was such a rollercoaster; sometimes it was so flat I interested in nothing, but the other time it was so challenging I had no idea what to do. One day I thought I knew myself, but the next day I was completely surprised by the way I handled things. 

I’ve felt so low, so down, I didn’t think I could get up again. I’ve also felt like I was at the very best. Everything happened rapidly; sometimes I didn’t know who I was anymore. 

I can say that being 24 means a lot for me. Many things have happened, like what I posted below. Twenty-four was so life-changing. Honestly, I am so surprised to be at this point right now. I learned so many things last year I can finally understand the reason for some things.

So, I decided to do something cliche that some people do on their birthday; writing down the X number of things they have learned so far in their life.

Here we go.

1 -  Karma is real.
Yep, you have to pay for what you've done. And from what I've learned, karma is not only about this current lifetime, but you also have to 'pay' for all lessons you didn't learn in your past-lives, you have to go through the deals that had been made in-between lives. It would be a very long post to explain it (but I'm open for any discussion about it tho'). So, what to do? To sum it up: everything has reason. Life is more than just this. Just choose to be and do good every single time.

2 -  Your life, your choice.
Because life is more than what your parents/teachers/society tell you. Find your own way, create your own path; the one that feels right to you, the one that you want.

3 - "Spirituality is your relationship with the Divine, religion is crowd-control."
What I'm trying to say is do what you believe, don't let anyone dictate you. Connect with your spiritual realm; go to church, pray, read Al-Quran.... ANYTHING that make you feel that peace, connected with the Divine, Guides, God, Allah, or anything you call Him. It's all the same, anyway, because we all come from the same Light. We all come from the One.

4 -  Go outside the comfort zone.
Because that's exactly where you will find yourself.

5 - Let yourself feel all the feelings.
Let yourself be sad, happy, angry, jealous, disappointed, peace, hopeful, faithful.. anything. If you want to cry even though you're alone in the middle of nowhere, just cry (#truestory), if you want to dance, just dance, jump, leap! If you want to be angry because someone hurts you, just be angry.

6 - But don't let it rule you.
Or make you do bad things to others. Remember, it's okay to be angry, but it's never okay to be cruel. Don't hurt people, either with things or even with your words. Don't try to put them down. Just.. love one another. 

7 - Be happy now.
Choose it. Live in the present; right here, right now. Life is like a splendid wondrous amazing school. You learn so many lessons here, but at the same time it offers you thousand beauties everywhere. Enjoy it.

8 - Spend time with your family and loved ones.
Don't take them for granted. It doesn't need to be a family- for some people have a very different definition of 'family'- but what I'm trying to say is cherish every moment with people you love. I don't get close with people easily though I might seem welcome or friendly with almost everyone, but when I love someone- either it's my family or friends- I will make 'em my numero uno, for 'there isn't a fire that I wouldn't walk through'. Yep.

And oh, that's a lyrics from Coldplay's Army of One. 

9 - Take care of yourself.
Buy things that you need. Find time to recharge your soul, body, and mind. You can meditate, do yoga, running, or maybe spend an hour or two in your favorite coffee shop. Have a conversation with yourself. Connect with your intuition. Follow your gut. Eat healthy food. Choose the people you want to surround yourself with. There's nothing wrong in taking care of yourself. At the end of the day, you only have you. Be a good companion for yourself. To feel alone is totally normal- you can always call your loved ones- but don’t let it be the base of your relationship with others. Love yourself first. Be confident with your inner beauty. You’re worthy of love.

10 - You can't control everything.
Seriously.
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