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June 23, 2016

9:36 PM -- A NOTE I WROTE THAT NIGHT

Hey, self 

21 June 2015, 15:46 WIB. A year before. You were writing down the budget needed to go to Gili. A year later, which is today 21 June 2016, you are at Gili Trawangan. If you want to be exact, at that precise hour you were at Kafe Kayu, eating that crappy fried rice while watching people walking across the street. 

Life is funny, eh? 

I don't understand what this trip means. It's different from the other trips. It doesn't feel life-changing, if you know what I mean..

It's not like what I expected. We know why I wanted to go at the first place, right? Because I wanted to find the answer. I started losing the control because I didn't understand the reason for some things that happened to me. That's why I wanted to go solo; to gain the control back, and- of course being a curious ENFP- to find the answer. But in Gili, here, I don't find what I am looking for. I don't find the answer. 

It's not spiritual. It's kinda tiring and boring. It's too crowded. I am not in the mood to take photo. The food was bad (and sooo pricey and overrated). The sunset was bad. On the third day, I biked from the east side to the west side of the island; just to catch that sunset on the so-famous Sunset Bar (who owns the so-famous swing at the beach). I ummmm I was kinda disappointed. The cloud hid the sun. I could only see a little spark of orange and then bam, dark. The beach was... disgusting. And the beer was over-priced. I biked back to the guest-house in the dark I could barely see anything. I was extra careful not to crash on other people or cidomo. After half an hour full of 'excuse me!' or 'watch out!' I finally arrived at the guest-house. 

The other day sometimes I chose to be at guest-house, reading the novel by the side of the pool. Or playing with Sigon the cat (whom I will miss so bad). Or playing in the pool. I was so grateful I brought Paula Hawkins' The Girl on the Train. Such a life-saver! I went outside biking if I was hungry, or when I got bored at the guest-house. Or to check another box from the 'places to visit in Gili T' list I've made before. 

Sounds such a bad trip, eh? 

If only I could time-travel and tell you all of these a year before. If I could, I would tell you to keep going. 

Because even though I will still live with a big question mark everyday above my head (yeah, we all do after all, c'est la vie), in Gili I find what I didn't know was my own all of this time. 

I find myself. The true-est version of it. And I find the love. For myself. 

I will miss Gili Trawangan. I will miss who I am in this place. The freedom. The conversation with my own self. The excitement I feel every morning; wondering what me myself would experience that day. The life here is so different. 

I love the little 'adventure' here. I have a great companion; my own self. It's not about the famous bar/cafe, the beach, or the delicious Gili Gelato, it's about the in-betweens; the wonderings, the choices, the contemplations, and all the thoughts. I have a private quality time with myself, and I'm forever grateful for it. 

I love myself for who I am. 

And now, I want to sleep. Today was pretty tiring with all the biking around the island. Can't wait to have another trip with you, self. But meanwhile right now, let's face the daily mundane with a bit of excitement, okay? 

21 June 2016, 20:17 WITA 
Little Woodstock 
The last night at Gili Trawangan


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